Thank God for O.J. Simpson!
Thank God for O.J. Simpson! For six sick months we’ve wallowed in story after story of our President’s, let’s be kind here, missteps. Day after day of wretched lies, fumbled opportunities, tweeted outrages, bullying accusations, the continuous and endless tantrum of a six year old spoiled brat in the body of a Michelin Man doughboy, but now, my fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. O.J. is dominating the news!!
Okay, so maybe the national nightmare isn’t actually over, but … for a while, brief or not, we can turn our short little attention spans to pulp fiction, not political fiction. O.J., he of the small glove, will certainly supplant Donald, he of the small hands. And can’t we all, Republicans and Democrats, Libertarians and KKK, can’t we all agree on this: O.J. is back and bigger than ever!! He’s getting out of prison after 9 long years in exile. And boy, do we need the Juice in these difficult times.
Here comes the man we’ve learned to love to hate, a tabloid villain, a rags to riches to jailcell story not only made for TV but made for day in and day out viewing. Remember the freeway caravan down through Los Angeles, dozens of squad cars following respectfully as the big man wove through linebackers and tacklers and SUV’s and rush hour traffic. You don’t? Never mind, we’ll be rewinding that game footage for you and everyone else. Johnny Cochran? Judge Ito? That little stoner what’s his name, Kinky or Kreepy, the Southern California surfer dude without a board? Get ready, he’s back, they’re all back. F. Lee Bailey, hey, bet you forgot F. Lee. He’s back too, the whole gang is back.
I don’t know how long the networks can run reruns on this, dissect the parole hearings, interview the victim’s parents one more time, recap the crime, analyze the trial, review his last crime trying to recover his trophies or whatever he was trying to recover. Fox News should be able to take it down the field for very long yardage and CNN can run exclusive coverage for a week at least. Unless N. Korea nukes us and they’re forced to interrupt with breaking news. Donald J. who? Duck? Health care repeal and replace? Ho ho. What we need to know is where was that knife hidden, O.J., and how does it feel to be a free man again and what will you be doing now that you’re with us once again? America turns its needy eyes to you, buddy, and hey, thanks, glad you’re back!!
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