The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

So okay, the President was wrong about this coronavirus thingy being a hoax. I know, he said he was on top of this pandemic way before anybody else. Meaning, I suspect, he realized fairly soon the hoax wasn’t a hoax and the virus wasn’t a cold. And yeah, he was off by a bit on opening up businesses and churches by Easter. He didn’t say which Easter, did he? The man is trying to put an optimistic spin on this plague, how can you fault him for that? If he looks like a cheerleader at the beginning of the bubonic, well, give him high marks for trying to rally the team. Even if they are coughing up lungs. Someone’s got to encourage us to try harder!

Just because he doesn’t practice social distancing himself and refuses to wear a mask to protect others, c’mon, that would just give folks watching the appearance that he’s afraid of a little virus. He wouldn’t even have himself tested in the beginning. No germ is gonna make him crawl!! The rest of us, those tests are coming any day now. We might not even need tests once that vaccine gets distributed. Any day now, he’s been telling us, and I know, some of you fault him for unwarranted optimism, but would you rather he told you the truth, that a lot of you and your family will probably die before that kind of discovery is made? It’s why he tells you that quinine treatment looks very very promising. It’s why he tells us a relatively untested vaccine is coming Soon. It’s why he suggests we look into drinking toilet bowl cleaners and disinfectants and maybe even shine a UV trouble light up our asses. Not because he really thinks it’s a good idea, he just thinks it might be a good idea … and then everybody jumps all over him when idiots take him seriously and drink Lysol. You can’t blame him for people’s stupidity and for godsake don’t say they voted for him so they get what they deserve, all right?

When he said Liberate Michigan! Liberate Virginia! he didn’t mean start a revolution, he just wanted to support the folks trapped in their houses with the mizzus and the rugrats. He didn’t mean what he said and he doesn’t say what he means. You could read it anyway you want, I guess, but why not be charitable? When that Georgia governor threw open the doors and returned to pre-pandemic normal, didn’t Trump berate him for idiocy? Consistency is for fools who never want to be re-elected, trust me on that one.

Course now he wants to bring the kids back to school this fall. Kids, he says, don’t really get the Covid. Positive thinking, see what I mean? He told you if the number of deaths in this country stayed below 60,000, he would declare it a victory. Now that we’ve passed that number, actually 3 times the 60,000 and more coming every day, he finally can tell you his team, Pence and Kushner and the boyz, well they kept that number from being in the millions. You didn’t need to hear how dangerous this pandemic thing was back in the beginning, but he knew. He knew before anyone else. And that, in case I have to spell it out, is what makes a great Leader. Mission Accomplished! Now go on out and party with a bunch of your friends.

Well, we are past the virtual conventions. Actually, considering Trump gave his nomination acceptance speech from the White House and his Sec. of State offered his endorsement while on a state sponsored trip to the Middle East, we are past conventions period. Laws too. So now we can go down the home stretch in what will no doubt be the ugliest of ugly elections in our history. Huugely ugly.

And in case the circus wouldn’t have three or more rings under the Big Top, we have police killings, Black Lives Matter protests, antifa rioting, white supremacists offering vigilante assistance, Post Office shenanigans, the continuing Covid plague, the whole shebang plowing fertile ground toward the November election which will no doubt take a few days to count all the late mail-in ballots. After that all hell breaks loose, count on that and take it to the bank.

Nobody is going to feel unsullied after a couple of months of mudslinging lies and horrorshow scare tactics. If this thing is close, batten down the hatches, a Cat 5 storm will flood the country until after Christmas into a bleak New Year. I’m like you, I’m really forward to what’s coming. America is going to be great. Again. What I think Mr. T meant, but misread his teleprompter, was America is going to be greater. You might even get tired of so much greatness. Our suburbs are going to be safe for white women. Again. Our employment numbers are going to be the best in history. Again. Not like they are now. Like they were back when America was great the first time. Or was that the second? The stock market is going to keep going through the roof so if you have a job you might consider calling your broker. Or get one. Use that payroll tax break. By the time you have to pay it back your stocks should double. That’s how the Big Boyz do it and now you can too. In the Greater America.

In the second term, if Mr. T wins, racism will be a thing of the past. Although in this term it doesn’t exist. Biden wants to defund the cops even though he says he doesn’t want to defund the cops. There goes the cities. And the suburbs will be sure to follow, all those looters and rioters and rapists, worse than the immigrants, wanting equal rights when we all know they have equal rights already in the pretty great America but nothing like the greatness that’s coming to this land of the free.

My friends are worried this guy will get a second term. My friends obviously don’t want a greater America. They think the election will be rigged or that the guy won’t leave the White House if he loses. Some of them think he might start a war with North Korea or who knows who, wag the dog, declare a national emergency, make Ivanka queen, send in the troops to restore Law and Order, ban MSNBC and the NY Times and lock up Bezos for distorting the truth in the Washington Post. Me. What, me worry? I’ve already seen what a great America looks like. I’ve already learned what kind of fellow citizens I have in this already great country. I know for a fact that we get the Leaders we deserve. Me worried? No, I’m scared to death….

By now you probably realize that the world you thought you lived in is not the world you actually live in. You thought the Covid Plague was keeping you from what used to be normal, that it was ravaging across the land, killing tens of thousands, 186 thousand, but now you realize the Pandemic was defeated by the courageous and farsighted actions of the President you thought you disliked. In fact, the man you thought was selfish and cruel is actually very kind, maybe the most unselfish and most kind person in this country. You thought he was racist but then you must have noticed that people of color at his convention gave testimonials to the opposite. His kids tell wonderful stories of his wonderfulness. You think they would lie?

He is the Defender of law and order but you thought he was actually guilty of impeachable acts, you thought he was in violation of a prohibition to use the White House for political gain, you thought maybe he was using the office to enrich himself and his wonderful kids, you thought the military was enjoined from being used for photo ops and you thought the Post Office was doing an okay job. See? You aren’t living in the Real World. Those riots in some of our major cities, they’re the work of Joe Biden and his gang of radicals. Bet you thought the incivility was on Donald’s watch, didn’t you? That’s because your anger blinds you to the Truth. He will make our cities safe again when he’s re-elected. Although they’re the safest they’ve ever been, but he’ll make them safer again. That’s his promise to you.

And the economy? Best it’s ever been but next term it will be even better. Those millions of unemployed? Don’t worry your faux news-filled head over it. More jobs are on the way, better jobs, higher paying jobs, maybe enough money for all of you to invest in the stock market where the real moolah is. And when you get the real payoff, you’ll also get a tax break. That’s his promise. If you’re smart, you’ll start shopping now like there’s no tomorrow … although tomorrow will be even better than it is now.

Those coal jobs are coming back, North Korea will turn over their nuclear weapons, Isis is defeated, the Taliban are on the run, Covid is cured. Miracles happen, Virginia. Santa is real. And yes, he’s in the White House and Christmas is coming to America. Again and again. Make out your list. Trust him, you’ll get everything your heart desires. You just have to believe. And stop reading the news.