The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

“At some point, I’m going to be so presidential that you people will be so bored and I will come back as a presidential person.” Our President before he became President.

I think this about sums it up. Why behave like an adult if adulthood is boring? Why act wisely if wisdom will put the American people to sleep? Why be sane if sanity is no fun? Oh, sure, we could have elected a normal person. But why? To solve world problems and help steer the nation into the future? C’mon, that’s so Yesterday. So meat and potatoes. So yawn-inducing. You want position papers and statesman-like pronouncements, get a grip. This is reality TV, tweet-storming excitement.

The man gets up pre-dawn to tweet some new outrage for the lying media to devour. He’s pissed off and he wants some revenge, you don’t get that? You’d like to take it out on the folks who criticize you, wouldn’t you? You bet your toupee you would! He doesn’t give a damn about who gets knocked down, whose feelings get hurt, what cherished value gets broken — and wouldn’t we all love to be the bull in the china shop for once? Judging by the trolls out there in cyberville, I’d say there’s plenty of room for racists and misogynists and haters. They’ve waited their whole empty life for this opportunity. And now they’ve got their role model in the highest office in the land. Yee haw!

If I were one of those yahoos who think government is a bunch of stoopid jerks who screwed up my life, I’d love this guy. He’s a one man wrecking ball. Congress? Oh right, the dumbasses who can’t repeal that terrible Obamacare we all hate? Those guys? The ones who spent the past 7 years tearing their hair out but never put together the replacement plan? Those guys? That government? The one that couldn’t agree on what day of the week it is, much less what month? No, give me the guy who has the guts day in and day out to tweet what idiots they all are. The guy who will bring back coal jobs. The guy who’ll stand up to France and Germany. The man who isn’t afraid to admit he likes the manly Putin more than that dogface Merkel woman. The President who isn’t afraid to change his mind when the mood suits him, just like us! Yaw!!

Let’s just hope he doesn’t get so presidential we’re bored and becomes a presidential person. That’s when we change the channel….

The 4th of July is here once again, parades and fireworks stands, flags and patriotism, the yearly celebration of the birth of this experiment we call America. I admit, I’m not the most patriotic yahoo in the Land of the Free, certainly not the bravest. I didn’t volunteer to fight in Viet Nam, just watched my lottery number miss by 6 when I dropped my college deferment and realized I wouldn’t be moving to Canada any time soon. I criticized the war in Afghanistan, I sure didn’t like the Iraq War and probably there wouldn’t be any wars coming up that I thought were worth the blood and treasure to fight. World War Two, yeah, I’d have done like my old man and gone over to fight that one, but that kind of war is over now. I hope.

It’s not as if I thought America was that City on the Hill some folks want us to believe. We’ve played pretty dirty on the world stage, assassinated folks we didn’t want in power if they got in the way of corporate interests, overthrew governments for the same reason while at the same time offering up pablum that we were actually supporting democracies, all that stuff that casts doubts on our self-shined reputation as Leader of the Free World. We waterboard, we torture, we do the renditions, we keep Guantanamo open. These are more than blemishes, they’re war crimes.

But along comes this man Trump…. Our fearless leader now. No experience in leadership or governing, no sense that I can see whatsoever. A congenital liar, a bully, a cheap punk in a fat man’s suit with enough money to intimidate his enemies and ruin his competition. A loudmouth idiot you’d hope would get his come-uppance in some Bronx bar after offending the clientele. And lest you think we don’t deserve such a malicious clown, you need to remember we voted for him. America voted for him. America chose him to do … what? Fix the economic inequities that fuel folks’ anger from West Virginia to Arizona? Take care of that immigration mess? Drain the swamp?

Fat chance. You think people were disgusted with government before, get a grip on your hat, the blowback coming next will be a tornado. So when you got your favorite beer in one hand this 4th and a spatula on the hamburgers, ask yourself if this isn’t a great country or what? Me, I’ll be having more than one of those beers. America, you need to wake the hell up.

Give the boy credit. He says the tweet is the mark of a Modern President and noblesse oblige, well, it’s had its day. Today I watched a video of the President at the World Wrassling Federation taking down a man whose face was photoshopped to be CNN. This is what modern presidents do, they use their time to make violent videos as revenge on their media critics. You didn’t know that?

Well, his critics know that. The man is a TakeDown, SmackDown, KnockDown all around winner. If he can put a hammerlock on CNN’s logo, he can stick ISIS on there next. And don’t think for one New York minute those radical Islamists don’t know that too!!! A modern president doesn’t win wars with diplomacy, he wins em with photoshop tweets. You didn’t know that?

Now you do. The most powerful man on earth with the most powerful tools in his arsenal, the tweet and the twitter. His hand isn’t on the nuclear button, it’s on his cellphone. And the world trembles!! Who will he strike next? What faux media will he attack this morning? What policy will he smite before lunch, the one he campaigned for? Or the one his party was attempting to pass in the legislature?

You don’t know, do you? And THAT is the secret to his strength. We don’t know where he will lash out next. At who or for what or why. All we know, all we need to know, is he will tweet it. Be nervous, be alert, be afraid.

Melania, Melania, Melania!!! I thought, as did so many of us, you’d undertaken the fight against cyber-bullying out of some profound and personal embarrassment for your husband’s egregious behavior. He has called women Dog Face, he’s made reference to bleeding from you-know-where, he’s acted the Pig. Grab em by the pussy, he’s said, publicly, and they’ll do what you want. We felt awful for you, Melania. We felt what we thought was your pain….

Recently he called the MSNBC commentator low IQ and his cohort a woman who bleeds from her facelift. You defended him, saying he was only hitting back. ‘Stand by your man, Melania, tell the world that you love him …’ But don’t go on asking us to believe as First Lady you’d be a good spokeswoman for an anti-cyber bullying crusade. It’s like Molly Hatchet lobbying against the ax manufacturers. C’mon, lady, you’ve made yourself a national joke. You’re the Bill Cosby look-alike who was planning to run ‘town meetings’ to advise us poor men on the risk of being falsely accused of sexual assault even though he admitted he drugged those women and then had ‘consensual’ sex with them.

I know folks were stupid enough to vote for your husband. They’re still in denial … but not for long. We didn’t vote for Bill Cosby and we didn’t vote for you. Be a dear now and quit defending the indefensible. At the very least, find yourself another cause. Maybe something like Assistance for the Fashionably Impoverished. Thanks, Melania, for hearing me out.

You got to love the man, don’t you? For constant entertainment, if nothing else. Sure, he’s infuriating. Course he’s a total moron. And a liar. And a bully. And an egomaniac. But … it’s hard to turn away, isn’t it? The mad king is a total train wreck in motion. So what if we’re in the caboose and wondering where the tracks end and the wheels come off? Every day is a dose of idiocy spooned out with an adrenaline pill. It’s like being on speed with a bottle of Jack and you’re in the backseat with the guy you’ve been drinking with all night and now he’s smacking the radio maniacally and flicking the ashes from his joint out the open window while the night is alive with menace and electricity. You know it won’t end well, but hell, you paid for the ride, you might as well see it through. You got a victim’s point of view now….

Trump, being a man who thinks out of his box, is proposing a solar wall at the border. Why not generate some juice while we’re at it and make some money to defray expenses? I love it, an alternative energy subsidy at last. Save the Mexican government plenty when their bill comes due. Sunshine Superman!

Lunacy is the catchword of the year now. Every morning the world tilts further off its fragile little axis. Tomorrow we’ll have nuclear power plants on the border, the cooling tanks forming a thousand mile moat to keep the illegals from crossing unless they want to risk being irradiated on the swim. Plus, all that nuclear power!! We live in the Light Fantastic where facts are for fools and reality is anything the man tweets. The media is lying, off with their heads! Science is bunk. Obamacare is collapsing under its own weight, global warming is caused by skunks farting at night, the Russians are misunderstood and the Syrians, well, who knows where Syria is anyway.

When I was a young guy, we were the Ugly Americans. Now we’re the Crazy Americans. We’ve opened the doors to the Asylum and disgorged the nutcases to run the place. Day after day we get a bit more used to them. It may actually be their strategy. Reality is, after all, fairly malleable. We can only hope they don’t decide to lock us up, but I wouldn’t bet on it.