The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

I don’t want you to think I’m jumping on the Trump bandwagon here, but … I do want you to know I plan to give out bonuses of up to 1000 dollars to all my employees. Sure wouldn’t want you to think I’m just going to bank all those profits from the business tax rollbacks that are coming my way. Boeing’s doing it, Pepsi’s doing it, Revisionary Glassworks, I’m pleased to announce, is doing it too. Least I could as my way of saying thanks. To my employees, I mean, not the President.

I suspect a lot of us mega-corporate types will be following suit. Good press, good will, good all around. Oh sure, I’ll raise my prices a little, cover my generosity, but that way you, the public, can share in my charitable glow. By the way, once I did a little checking, I noticed those other companies kind of cheated a bit. You got to read the fine print, maybe you didn’t know that, to find that those thousand dollar bonuses go to the folks who have worked there, oh, about a hundred years. You worked there, say, two or five, well, don’t expect a thousand dollar bonus on that next paycheck. Think a little lower. Think a lot lower. But those headlines say $1000, you say. Truth, maybe you haven’t noticed lately, is kind of slippery.

The Truth – capital T – in my case is that I plan to pay every single employee working for me now $1000 no matter how long they’ve been on the payroll. Ten years, Ten months, Ten days. Capitol T! It’s just Good Bizness, that’s all, and it’s the Right Thing to do, excuse all these capitals. No sir, you won’t see my glass company raising its prices to cover my incredible generosity. Not the way I work. And you could ask any of my employees. You know, if I had any. Right now I’m not only sole proprietor, I’m kind of the sole worker. And yes, I’m giving me a $1000 bonus, maybe more if those CEO’s are any kind of role models! And a big pat on the back!

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Ya know, like a lot of Americans slowly slipping out of the so-called middle class into Hard Times, I too feel a patriotic duty to shore up the wealthier citizens’ place in our society. Not just the individual taxpayer, but the corporate entities the Supreme Court has declared as persons with the same rights as you and me. So when I see the tax plan rolling out that will drop their bracket from 35 to 20%, I feel confident these proud Americans will pour those increased profits back to the working sector and I’m more than happy to wait for the trickle down.

My Republican legislators, working hard for their constituencies in the red states, assure us the economy will ratchet up with these corporate tax breaks. Sure, there’ll be major deficits, but trust them, the zooming economy will take care of those. Better corporate rates will bring companies back to the Land of the Free, you wait and see.

The Paradise Papers are out now, a blow-up snapshot of how the beleaguered corporate taxpayer has been forced to seek shelter in off-shore accounts. Apple dumped billions into the tiny island of Jersey. Jersey doesn’t tax them at all, but I’m sure the GOP will offer further incentives to bring that money back to our disappearing shores. 15% seems good on its face, but maybe that’s still 20% more than Jersey. If we have to compete, well, I think the rest of us taxpayers who will benefit from a roaring economy will have to sacrifice short term to achieve gains long term. Corporate Patriotism is going to be the New Patriotism, I get that.

And I’m okay with cutting into Medicaid and welfare. You won’t need those anyway in a booming economy driven by Amazon and Google and Microsoft and Exxon and Apple. Sure, we could have cut out some deductions for them and not us, but, well, you see the point. Don’t handcuff the job creators, you’re only hurting yourselves.

And yeah, I know you’re going to say these fat cats have been avoiding taxes all along. 35%? Ha, they haven’t paid 35% at all, you’re thinking, and you’d be 100% right. But you’re missing the Big Profit. Big Picture, I mean. Same difference. If our corporations, our semi-U.S. corporations are allowed to compete completely unfettered by undue regulations and burdensome taxes, they’ll hire more of us, get it? And if we have to keep our wages slightly low, maybe even lower the minimum wage if necessary, that’s how you compete with Malaysia, Mexico and Slumbekistan. Is this hard to understand???

We should be grateful is all I’m saying. Pretty soon Amazon and their brethren will be moving into 21st Century automation. Robots don’t get paid and they sure don’t pay taxes. Throw the dice and put some trust into our Ayn Randian future. Spare the rich and the life you save might just be your own.

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