The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

I was just ordained as a minister. I can now legally perform marriages, funerals, exorcisms and the like. I know what you’re thinking: I’ve turned over a New Leaf, decided to clean up the mess that’s my life and now I’ll probably become a sanctimonious and self-righteous proselytizer of you sinners. And of course I just might once I get my little Church of the Profane up and running.

Actually, becoming a minister isn’t as hard as you might suspect. I went on the internet and signed up for an online ordination, nothing to it once you get past the scams and the oaths to Jesus and the request for additional money for everything from wedding certifications to ceremonial instructions. Me, I just wanted to jump right to reverend. Seminary school, no thanks. Pope, takes too long. Rabbi, doubt if they’d let me. Buddhist priest, okay, maybe. But minister? Oh yeah, anybody can be a minister. Check out your religious stations on cable if you think it takes any kind of training or intelligence. You wonder how folks can elect Donald president, take a gander at the people these folks give money to who seem as phony as a 3 dollar bill or a Trump tax return. Trust me, even YOU could be a religious leader in this America. We don’t believe in science or facts or the truth, but we believe these hucksters. And I’m happy to report, I’m now one of them.

And no, stop worrying, I’m not hitting you up with a request for money to convert the poor Crackers in Mississippi or the skinheads in Idaho to my banjo based belief system. Although, if you need a charitable tax write-off, I’m your man. Actually, I’m your Church. Your Rock. Your, if you’ll let me, your Salvation. Least I can do to pay back the internet site that sponsored my Holy Conversion. A man of good deeds, like yours truly here, is like the Lone Ranger, just save the day and leave a silver bullet on the table. No need for thanks, the fight for truth and justice is plenty.

I know I have a lot to live up to. I don’t have my disciples lined up just yet and the South End String Band, my first choice, seems hesitant to cleanse and oil my feet. A miracle would surely help, but I haven’t got any up my robed sleeve. And of course I need to write down some rules, commandments maybe, that followers can adhere to. A lot of work ahead of me, but like I said, getting to BE a minister was the easy part.

I got a little wedding in about two months down in California, a lesbian matrimony where I will be officiating in the very heart of Sodom and Gomorrah. Could be a niche market, these gay matrimonies. The Path is narrow, my friends, but follow me, for I Know the Way. Or at least I’ll try to find it. Blessings on you, my children!

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This entry was posted on Thursday, May 24th, 2018 at 1:49 pm and is filed under rantings and ravings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.