Happy Columbus Day!
Even our holidays these days have become political footballs. Today is Columbus Day. But it’s also Indigenous Peoples Day. Kind of like Christmas also being Satan Day. Or Martin Luther King Day coupled with a David Duke Holiday. Keep both sides placated. It could be a trend for political correctness. Valentine’s Day could share time with, oh, Hate Yer Neighbor Day. Labor Day might have Welfare Day and July 4th (Independence Day) could link with Donald Trump Day.
Well, okay, maybe I’m taking this too far. Can’t we just celebrate Columbus landing on the New World, bringing the natives trinkets and smallpox, without turning it into a puny jubilee for the survivors? Next thing you know we’ll be taking down statues of old Christopher and lobbying against exploring Mars and Jupiter. Jeez, is nothing sacred?
We don’t want religious holidays, we don’t want politically sensitive holidays, we don’t want Confederate statues, we don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I get it. I’m a bleeding heart. I just don’t want to make my holidays a total muddle. Keep it simple, stupid, that’s my life’s motto. Complexity? I don’t need no stinking complexity. Two names for one holiday? Don’t think so. The banks and the libraries will close up for two days. Or half a day for each. Or …? Well, who knows?
Columbus Day was kind of an odd holiday anyway. He didn’t land on the shores of the United States, did he? And he probably landed after the Vikings so why get all big headed about the second arrival. Indigenous Peoples Day? C’mon. Really? Which ones? All of them? Might as well have a People of the World Day.
Maybe we need to have a Commission look into this holiday thing, make some recommendations for brand new ones. Equinox Day would work for me, although I know some evangelicals would protest that it was kind of Druidy. I guess no matter what we choose to honor these days, there’s going to be backlash. So I’m recommending we just take 7 or 8 days, scatter them across the calendar and call them To Hell With It Day. And if you need to, couple it with To Heaven Day. Jeez.
Hits: 33
Tags: Happy Indigenous Peoples Day!, Holiday Naming Rights
You are correct sir, Columbus never did set foot on any land that is now the 50 states of America.
Which means, in October we have a holiday for a man who never visited, much less discovered the United States of America. Then in November, a Thanksgiving holiday which commemorates the native people who graciously provided an early form of food stamps for newly arrived white squatters, corn, squash, venison, preventing their mass starvation those first few winters. Through adverse possession the squatters held on, and survived as thankless double-crossers over the next few centuries.
Instead of To Hell With It Day, what about Indoctrinated Hypocrites Day?
Why not? In fact we should have a contest, a National Contest, to recommend new holidays in this Trumpian Era. Illegal Immigration Day (let’s not count the Europeans prior to the Civil War), Confederate Flag Day (it’s not a symbol of redneck racism, it’s pride of the South), Rudy Giuliani Day (not JUST because he’s going to bring down Donald), NFL Star Spangled Banner Patriot Day (brought to you by Bud Lite), and of course Amazon Tax Day (Jan. 1 since they pay zero.)