breaking news
Down here at the cell tower challenged South End, we get our news the old fashioned way: via gossip. You want to know what’s happening in real time, you don’t try to adjust the rabbit ears to bring in Fox News on the new improved digital airwaves that dropped our reception by half, you go down to the Diner for breakfast or stop by Tyee Store for a cuppa or sit a spell at Jolene’s Beauty Salon and Spa. Their antenna pick up more than snow and weak signals.
Word of mouth always spreads faster than bird flu, especially in confined areas where ricocheting rumors hail in like birdshot off aluminum trailer siding. We got a little crime wave going on right now, mailboxes getting stripped by some meth heads looking for bank account numbers or credit card info or just some reading material on the cheap to save em from applying for their own library card. Sammy the Skillet, head cook and chief dishwasher at the Diner, had his box rifled and by noon, half the South End was on full vigilante alert. The newcomers got tamper-proof boxes that are basically safes on poles cemented into the ground, that, or they got post office boxes in town, but for us old-schoolers, we got slightly more exposure to identity thieves.
Personally I figure a few of these java sippers hanging over their chipped porcelain mugs most of a promising morning could use a new identity and if having the old one stolen proved a useful catalyst, well, maybe these meth head robbers serve a useful function. Now that the Barefoot Bandit is cooling his heels in a federal pen and we’ve lost our favorite Jesse James, the Postal Pirates offer up some pretty good opportunity for dryer time observations at Jolene’s, mostly surmises on whose no-account delinquent kid is probably behind the current crime spree.
I suspect if the Postal Pirates go viral the way the Barefoot Burglar did, Jolene will get her own segment on Fox News. Course, it’ll be old news by the time it airs for the fair and balanced crowd by then. You want breaking news, you best stay tuned down here.
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