R.I.P.
Right on the heels of Super Storm Sandy we get breaking news of yet another disaster. We’ll recover from the hurricane, we’ll rebuild in the end, we’ll be stronger. But … what can replace Twinkies? Or Snowballs? The iconic aptly named Wonder Bread?? All gone. All gone broke.
The news coverage was frightening enough. The reality will be much harder to digest. Maybe not harder than a Twinkie itself, but hard. Very hard. The never-say-die addicts were stocking up on the remaining supplies. Stores reported runs on the Hostess shelves. Shopping carts were piled to overflowing with their sugar mainline. The wise ones will meter the snacks over months, even years. No worry about spoilage. The expiration dates are well beyond any living consumers’ puny lifespans. But there will come a day when the preservative drenched snack treats are gone, yet another extinction on our fragile planet.
I’ve been hearing rumors that corporate scientists are exploring cloning options. The conspiracy theorists claim that those consumers loading up their fallout shelters were actually federal geneticists, stockpiling secret laboratories underneath the Rocky Mountains, working furiously to duplicate the chemical composition of the undead Twinkies. Obviously it’s a race against time and the limited storehouse of high fructose-depleted Hoarders.
The cynics, as always, see a silver lining in the nutritional stormclouds. The inevitable drop in diabetes will free up dialysis machines, sure, but they forget the determination of an Elger Bay Store consumer. Already sales in Pop Tarts and Captain Crunch are buoying a despondent chemical industry. The savvy consumer may stuff his shelter, but the savvy investor will stuff his stock portfolio with Dow, Monsanto and ArcherDanielMidland. I’ll tell you this: artificial food is here to stay. So here’s today’s insider trading tip. Skip the Powerball ticket, kiddo, and call your broker. BET on the addicts, don’t BE one.
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