Where the Grass Is Truly Greener
I’m on septic watch. My 1000 gallon outhouse replacement is exposed beside the driveway and I’m waiting for South End Septic’s pump truck to come, open up its concrete ports and haul away my decade of toilet flushes and sink drainage and bathtub water. Used to be, we just moved the outhouse over a new hole, but now we got a modern system, one with multiple chambers, 3 access holes and a dedicated drainage area where the grass grows twice as fast as anywhere else.
This is the second pumping since the vault was dropped into the hole the backhoe dug back in 1993. It’s the second time I’ve had to dig up shrubs, move paving bricks and search three feet down for those hundred pound access ports because we couldn’t afford the expensive riser extensions that stick up to the surface like dirty reverse periscopes – think colonoscopy – and preclude ever digging again. After tunneling hallway thru the earth’s crust this time, I’m buying the tubes no matter if I have to sell two favorite banjos to pay for them. I shoulda learned the first dig! But with the County wanting an inspection every two or three years, my excavation career needs to end.
It will be, happily, the end of an inglorious era. The old shack had a cesspool when we came to the South End. A cesspool, for you uninitiated, is a hole in the ground instead of a concrete or plastic vault. It works only because the soil here drains well. And whatever cover you put over it hasn’t rotted and collapsed. Which ours did every few years. You think pumping a septic tank is nasty business, dig a new cesspool and connect up the old lines from the plumbing. Then deal with the scowls from the missuz who considers this criminal behavior. Which, of course, like a lot of customs down here, it is.
I suppose modernization is a good thing. You know, if you can afford it. My grandparents had outhouses until they were in their 50’s. We got one ‘just in case.’ You ever waited for a teenage fashion queen to apply her make-up while you’re hopping on one leg, you’d build one too, just for that ‘just in case.’
Well, like I said, the pump truck is on its way. I’m expecting a reduced fee, naturally, because – and I’m not bragging, just being factual – mine don’t stink the way others’ do. I’m sure the septic guy will be more than a little appreciative.
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