Identity Theft
We had some mail theft recently. My neighbor Erich was vacationing with the family in some exotic place – Smokey Point, I think maybe it was – and I was feeding the cats, checking the mail, doing what neighbors usually do when friends go away. My neighbors across the street even mow each other’s grass, but they don’t have the estate Erich does and I suppose I could make excuses, but hellfire, I was feeding his cussed cats and picking up his bills – you expect me to pay em too????
Okay okay. After a few days of emptying the mailbox, you get to know a person pretty good, sort of an unpaid private eye, seeing what bills come from who, what associations they belong to, what magazines they get, what charities they contribute to, all that personal stuff. You can learn a lot –NOT that I’m analyzing their buying habits, their credit card information, their giving trends, their collection agencies, the nasty threats they get; no, I’m just picking it up and hiding it where snoopy folks, TOO inquisitive folks won’t find it and make it THEIR business when it isn’t. I mean we used to have privacy laws in this country and I don’t care WHAT the damn government’s doing, I think a person ought to be able to hide his sins from the rest of the nosey neighbors.
So when I get to day 3 and the Collection Agency seems to have given up and the credit card applications have dried up and the charitable organizations have wised up and there’s NO MAIL for 3 straight days, I should’ve known. I should’ve waited by the mailbox in the ditch with all the empty beercans with a sawed off shotgun, cause I should’ve SURMISED some meth dealing crackhead was stealing Erich’s IDENTITY!!
But I’m happy to say it didn’t ever occur to me and because of that, Erich can thank me because that desperate junkie got more than junk mail, he got all of Erich’s overdue bills and now HE’S stuck with em and he’ll get to pay em off with his ill-gotten drug money and I say justice once again prevailed. So Erich can thank me for bailing him out once again. I just hope next time he doesn’t expect me to mow the lawn too.