Ebola is Coming! Ebola is Coming!
Professor Jimmy was on his 3rd pint at the newly opened Knockaway Tavern next to the golf course up north, deep into a tutorial on plagues, quarantines and his newest conspiracy theory that the government was behind the Ebola pandemic, when Big Barry interrupted him halfway through a muddy plot to decimate the Republican electorate. “Correct me if I’m wrong here, Jim,” the bartender cut in, “but wasn’t it you who thought 2 weeks ago Ebola was an internet virtual bowling game?”
Jimmy magnanimously acknowledged his mistake but claimed he was ‘up to speed’ now. I was going to observe he hadn’t budged off his barstool once all night, maybe speed limits were unnecessary, but I was hoping to hear his conspiracy theory to its comical conclusion, save me listening to Fox News yet another year.
“They brought it here to infect us!” he fairly shouted. “They want us to believe it isn’t airborne but they’re working on that, you better believe. They’ll have an antidote, but not for us!” Jimmy took a long, purposeful gulp of his beer, probably his idea of a hedge against airborne transmission.
These are scary times down here on the oblivious South End apparently. Jimmy’s not the only Paul Revere sounding the alarm. The county commissioners are considering quarantining the islands. Surgical face masks are as prevalent as Halloween costumes. Or maybe they are Halloween costumes…. The neighbors are stocking up like Mormons and Rogue River survivalists. The pawn shops are out of guns and ammo and even the vast armory at Cabela’s is depleted. The storm clouds are gathering on cable news and the forecast is for the sky to fall.
Big Barry wiped some of Jimmy’s spillage off the fir countertop and tossed his rag into the soapy sink beneath the bar. “Can’t be too careful, Jim. You aren’t showing symptoms Now, but … you do seem a bit lathered up.” Flathead Fred guffawed from two stools down, which infuriated Jimmy. “Go ahead and laugh,” he protested. “That’s’ what the government wants. Sheep. Dead sheep!”
I never did hear the end of the conspiracy. Jimmy hasn’t been back at the Knockaway since. Barry says he’s been quarantined for 21 days. Fred figures he’s dead already, just like that Liberian in Dallas. Rumor has it Texas is a lost cause now and Oklahoma has closed its borders. All I know is the government should be working on an antidote for panic.
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