One Woman’s Scrap is Another Man’s Home
So I get this e-mail, see …. My buddy Captain Lawrence Baum has had some yahoo drop off a derelict 5th wheel trailer on the frontage road to his business. He’s pissed, but he also sees a golden opportunity to tweak old Skeeter about South End riff raff, cc’ing me along with his screed to the Crab Cracker, our quasi-literary/newspaper/calendar of all local events. Rather than summarize, here’s the text:
HAS THE SECESSION OF THE SOUTH FROM THE NORTH BEGUN ANEW?
Jumpin’ jehoshaphat and criminently, Folks. I do believe a new civil war has begun and can secession of the Southenders from the Northenders be far behind?
I mean, what else can explain the sudden appearance on the doorsteps of the peace-lovin’ businesses south of our beloved Camano Vet Clinic, of what has to be the quintessential and classic abode of those red-neck, moonshinin’, nettle-wine drinkin’ folks led by (and I suspect egged on by) Skeeter Daddle and his ilk. Sometime in the wee hours of Thurs July 16, most likely between 5 and 7 am, a decrepit, falling-apart, partially-wheeless 30-foot or better 5th wheel trailer was dumped on the easement road serving all of the businesses from Camano Sail and Jon-Sue Mirror all the way north to the Vet clinic. And with nary a fare-thee-well or request for permission. I mean these folks have to be “well endowed” if you get my drift. It would have been nearly or all the way daylight with going-to-work traffic whizzing by. And the towing vehicle would not have probably been some little wimpy car. Egad, I mean we have “dumpers” all over this Island, people who are too cheap or too lazy to take their garbage to the dump, as we used to call it before it got all fancified to “Transfer Station.”
Well now, I knows that them is fightin’ words so how do we know it came from the south, you may well ask. Well, we done fingered that out by the deep scratch marks left in the pavement by a dragging part of the trailer (still visible if you care to look) that begin a few hundred feet south of the Camano Hill/E. Camano junction, and swerve very nicely and definitively into our common driveway and down to its current resting place.
Now, it will be moved one way or ‘tother because the last owner of record lives on this here Island. He claims he sold it but can’t find the documents to prove it, and so, under the law he may be on the hook.
But that is really not who we are looking for. I’m pretty sure the last owner of record did not dump the trailer there. But someone did and we would dearly love to find that “someone.”
If anyone recognizes this pig and can tell us where it may have come from, there is a small cash reward waiting, and I mean really small, $50-small.
Call in privacy and confidence and tell us what you think you know. If the info checks out, you get the bucks.
425-314-9824.
(and my apologies, Skeeter; put your double-barrel away, please)
NOTE: the Salty Dawg runs a charter boat and sailing instruction business on our Beautiful Island and gets just down right bent out of shape by people who dump their garbage on our roads and yards and our beautiful waters.
Here, in its entirety, is Skeeter’s response:
Okay okay, Cap’n! We just thought this would make a nice B&B up there by the dump. That, or a Motel 3, some place a little more affordable than the Camano Inn. And yeah, we might’ve neglected to get the necessary permits and maybe we didn’t meet county commercial codes, but us start-up entrepreneurs ought to get some breaks; after all, we’re the job creators. Admittedly we should’ve washed the rig, but c’mon, we’re conserving precious groundwater. Think Eco-Tourism!
We already have August and September pretty nearly booked so I’m hoping we can find some common ground here, Lawrence, maybe cut you in on part of the rental income. We sure don’t need negative publicity and if you would consider maybe 10% of the profits after deducting our heavy advertising campaign (soon to come), we would be happy to give you naming rights. How does Baum Bungalow sound to you??? Kind of has a nice ring, doesn’t it?
Personally, I was advocating a meth lab in that location, but my partners pointed out the proximity to the sheriff’s shack, a building not a helluva lot nicer than our 5th wheeler. Worst case, I guess we could go head to head, no pun intended, with the Bud Hut. But I think you’ll agree, given the aforementioned 10%, the Baum Bungalows (yes, plural, once we get a few more rentals in there) would be a better fit for the touring public. Our attorney, Bubba Frisk III, will provide you with all the contracts and paperwork at your earliest convenience. If you have any further questions or concerns, contact me through the Crab Cracker, our lead advertising agency. Sincerely, as always, Skeeter
Now, the sad part — or maybe the hilarious part — I thought I recognized that 5th wheeler. So when I saw one of my band mates, I asked, nonchalantly, did you get rid of your trailer? “Yah,” she said, “I put it on Craigslist and some guy from up island came for it. Free. But he had to bring spare tires, the old ones were rotted down to the hubs.”
The sheriff found the old owner, but he’d never transferred title and neither had my bandmate’s boyfriend, so now the trailer was legally abandoned off the highway. I’m sure Cap’n Lawrence is worried he’ll inherit the hulk, but I don’t think so. The guy who hauled it off had a buddy and when they were scrutinizing the trailer, purportedly for scrap potential, his buddy whispered, “This is way better than yours.”
On the South End we call this Recycling. Up Island, they’re treating this as a crime. I admit, I’m torn whether to contact the sheriff, but I may let the Skipper know to just hang on, our boy is looking for fresh tires so he can get it back to his place. In the end I suspect everybody’s gonna win.
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