Copulation Merit Badge
Copulation Merit Badge
Slim Jim was a little wound up at the Pilot House’s happy hour. Course, it was two hours PAST the happy one and Jim was paying full price for 16 oz.’s of bitterness and I don’t mean IPA’s. “I’m pulling Little Jimmy out of the Scouts,” he was hollering to Two Toke Tom, Guitar Bob and me at the adjoining table. “Before you know it, they’ll have Sodomy as a merit badge. I mean, Jeez, where does this end? I tell you what, I’ve had it up to here.”
Up to here evidently was his pie hole where he was now pouring down his 4th pint. Guitar Bob’s kid Billy was a member of the South End Troop 17 sponsored by the Little Chapel in the Ravine. The Little Chapel had considered pulling out after the Scouts decided the time had come to accept gays, but the deacons couldn’t reach a decision without tearing the membership apart.
“You gonna let Billy stay in?” Jim asked Bob. “You aren’t worried he’ll end up some limp wrist with all the perverts we got these days? What kind of father …?”
Bob held up a hand in a stop sign. “Settle down, Jim. It isn’t the end of manhood as we know it. It’s the same troop. You know all these kids. And Phil’s a good scoutmaster. What the hell are you cranking yourself up for?”
“Holy crap, Bob,” Jim spluttered, half rising from his seat. “These are our kids’ lives, ya know? We didn’t send them to Boy Scouts to earn Fairy Badges, we expected them to learn how to use knives and hatchets. The way we did, remember?”
“Billy just got his computer merit badge, Jim. I don’t care if he learns how to chop wood in the 21st century. We’re not Cro Magnons. No offense, Skeeter,” he grinned, looking my way.
“Me like fire. Me cut wood,” I grunted. So did Jim. “Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the damn Scouts. They don’t care about teaching Manhood. They’re all a bunch of pansies, you ask me.”
“We didn’t,” Two Toke said.
“Look who’s talking,” Jim grumbled, “a guy who never had a kid, probably couldn’t if he wanted to.”
Tom, instead of taking offense, just laughed. “If I’d known I could get sex-ed in Boy Scouts, I’d’ve joined. But isn’t that what you’re worried about?”
Jim snorted in disgust, swilled down his half full glass and got up to leave. On his way to the door he turned back to us. “You three faggots are exactly what’s wrong with this country.”
Two Toke shook his head sadly, but Guitar Bob laughed. “Love you, man,” he said for all the bar to hear before throwing him a kiss. Love on the South End comes in many disguises….
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