Land Grab
In breaking news this morning the Camano Commandos, our vigilante group concerned with porous borders and government over-reach, took over the Cama Beach ranger office and the old resort store. Dressed in camo gear and carrying hunting rifles and assault weapons, they barricaded the road down to the beach and the cabins, set up roadblocks near the entry station and demanded the tourists still vacationing leave immediately.
Walter Jorgenson, the Commandos unofficial commandant, issued a press release to the Stanwoodopolis Gazette demanding that the Park be returned to the People. Law enforcement, quick to respond to the potentially life-threatening take-over, shut down the highway outside the entrance to the park. State police soon joined forces with local sheriff’s deputies and two SWAT teams from Snohomish County. The FBI was reportedly on the way. Seattle news helicopters were already circling and mobile satellite vans were camped on the highway while the tense standoff had barely begun.
“We represent the People,” spokesperson Jorgenson said via Facebook. “We are sick and tired of these land grabs by the federal government.” He later clarified his statement to include state government as well. (Cama Beach, after all, is a state park.) By noon today the FBI and agents from Alcohol Firearms and Tobacco had set up a negotiating team via cellphone, although reception proved spotty most of the time. According to Vince Hammer, the FBI’s senior agent in charge, the Commandos’ demands were a bit vague. They wanted the Park ‘vacated by all government thugs’ and returned to the true owners, themselves. Mr. Hammer mentioned that, in essence, they already own the land. “It’s a state park, Mr. Jorgenson. You own it already. You drove right in, nobody stopped you. But now you’re preventing anyone else from the public sharing the park.”
The Commandos disagreed with this assessment strenuously. For the past two days the stalemate has stood. I met with Vince Hammer yesterday and offered a possible solution to the impasse. Hammer was reluctant at first but finally said what have we got to lose, we need to end this thing. Today I walked into Cama carrying a white flag (actually just waved yesterday’s underwear) and met with the Commandos who were obviously in serious television withdrawal. Walter’s first demand when I sat down at the old fir table was for a television to be brought in to the park. “Give it up, Walt, they don’t have cable here and I can tell you for a fact reception without a long distance antenna is zip. Maybe we could get you boys some videos from the library. Hell, Walt, if you’d been thinking, you’d have taken over the library.”
“What are you doing here, Skeeter?” one of the vigilantes asked. I said I was just trying to be a good citizen. “I got a deal for you men, something you might want to consider before the FBI decides to quit playing cat and mouse with you and goes ballistic.”
“Give me liberty or give me death,” Hank Griggs shouted, waving his double barrel shotgun in the air. “You got the safety on?” I asked. “You’re gonna blow your leg off if you’re not careful. But let’s cut the comedy, boys. I’m here to offer you a way out of this mess you got yourself in, let you leave without losing face. You can take it or leave it, but … I don’t think you’ll get a better deal.”
“Let’s kick his ass out to the highway,” Hank growled, still waving that 12 gauge recklessly. Walter growled back. “Let’s hear him out.”
And so it was that we traded Hutchison Park, the little county park no one uses, a five acre chunk of nettles and downfall I used to caretake as a volunteer, soon to be renamed Commando Corner. The boys surrendered to the FBI and were allowed to leave with their weapons and their pride intact. Me, I gave up my lawnmowing chores at the park and now they fall to the Commandos. I give it about six weeks of that and they’ll beg the public to take it back.
Hits: 127