Bark of the Beast
The South End Assembly of the Profligates is fighting the Good Fight for their religious freedom, hallelujah! The infidels are at the gate and by God, they aren’t taking secular attacks sitting down, not on your life!! Their old time religion, based on texts transcribed from the original German of Claus Wermuth’s Nostradamus prophecies, serves as their guide to all things worldly. And now the government demands they violate their fundamentals, their creed, their belief system.
“This will not stand!” Preacher Ezekiel declared the day the Supreme Court ruled homosexuals could not be discriminated against. “The blasphemers will be smited!” he roared and the congregation stamped their feet in joyous approval. Amen!
The Assembly of the Profligates has more than gay issues to fight. Their religion relegates women to helpmates and persons not Caucasian to second class status. They ban all forms of music, even muzak, and the banjo is reviled above all other infernal noise-makers as the Bark of the Beast. This does not bode well for the South End String Band, apparently purveyors of filth and depravity whose members include women and people of mixed heritage.
Now personally I like religions about equally. Which I thought made me non-discriminatory, but might only be non-discriminating. When the mizzus dropped in at the Island Cupcake Emporium next to Reflux Realty’s South End satellite branch to order a special birthday cake for me in the shape of a 5 string banjo, my chosen instrument of destruction, well, all hell broke loose. Jennifer, who owns the bakery and, it turns out, is a devotee of the Assembly of the Profligates and their All-Seeing Premonitions, well Jennifer told her she could take her sick request to Stanwood and Gomorrah, no way was she going to bake a Bark of the Beast birthday cake. “Take your disease to the Erotic Bakery,” she howled. “If they’ll make penis cakes, they’ll bake you a banjo. But I don’t make either!!”
Well, I guess we could’ve filed a civil rights lawsuit, we could hire a good attorney, go to court, make our point and probably end up with a saliva-filled banjo birthday cake on my 75th. The mizzus compromised instead. I sure won’t foget that phallic German chocolate 3 layer birthday cake any time soon. Maybe, Lord willing, I’ll get a banjo cake next year. Amen to that.
Hits: 203