America in a 12 oz Can
The Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate that owns Budweiser brewing announced that they would now call this country’s best selling beer America. America the Beer, not the beautiful. Actually the best selling brew in the United States is Bud Lite. Somehow America Lite doesn’t have the same panache, although judging by this year’s political campaign, America Lite sounds about right. Less filling, fewer calories, but drink enough and your head will swim.
Now … I’m a cynical person. But naming your alcoholic beverage our country, well, even a cynic winces at this. Of course all the patriots will flock to the new red white and blue watering hole in a can while profits flow overseas in a global tsunami of misplaced jingoism. I know, it’s just dog eat dog capitalism, but for the luvva Abe Lincoln and Tom Jefferson, are there no limits to the crassness of advertising?
I think we can assume the floodgates of branding are now wide open. Get ready for Jesus, the SUV made by Honda. Gets 23 mpg highway and comes with GPS showing shortest routes to Heaven. United States, a low tar cigarette both filter and menthol. God, the new moniker for the GOP, only need to change one little letter and virtually no content appeal . Land of the Brave, the real estate company formerly known as Century 21, already an old and tired brand but once was forward leaning. You know, back in the dead 20th.
Naturally there will be some confusion. When the presidential candidates refer to America, which one do they mean? ‘We will make America great again?’ Is the candidate suggesting Budweiser wasn’t? Can he be sued for slander? Has he got Trump Beer coming out and this was always a marketing ploy to undermine his competitor? Or did he buy stock in a foreign corporation, to make it great once more as an offshore dodge, and now he doesn’t want to show his tax returns?
I don’t know about the rest of my fellow Americans, but I want the name changed back. Either that or we change the country’s name.
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
Budweiser! Budweiser! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
I know, kind of a nice ring to it.
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