Dormant Butt Syndrome
Dormant Butt Syndrome occurs when the gluteus maximus muscles are not functioning properly, heaping strain on other parts of the body.
I know what you’re thinking: I make this stuff up. Butt seriously, why would I make up a disease that impugns the lifestyle of most of us down here on the idyllically slothful South End? You think I’m advocating for more of those health clubs with their machines spinning in near unison while their poor pedallers listen to books on tape or NPR rebroadcasts through their earpods?? C’mon, get a grip. This is breaking news, not a Donald Trump press release.
DBS, it’s no laughing matter. You sit on yours too long and before you realize the couch has grown tendrils up into your pant leg, you start noticing back pain, maybe some hip creakiness, then knee problems begin to crop up when you head to the fridge for another beer or more chips. How can this be? you ask yourself, knowing full well you haven’t, couldn’ t possibly, have strained any muscles. You haven’t used a muscle for years. In fact, most have atrophied to stringy vestigial shadows of their former selves. And now you have back pain? Doesn’t seem possible, doesn’t seem fair!
Dormant butt syndrome, my friend. And it’s not just here on the South End, it’s a national epidemic. Park in front of a computer screen for hours at a time, then sit in front of a 60 inch television screen for an entire evening, catch some movies and ballgames, take a break for catching up on e-mail, sit and text message all your friends, then update Facebook accounts, well, doesn’t leave much time for exercise or a walk in the park. Butt who knew the deleterious consequences of our digital lifestyles??
Granted, most of us aren’t going to change our sedentary routines. No doubt we’ll soon see butt massagers soon, rollers built into our office chairs, our lazy-boys, the cushions of our couch. Expensive, sure, but cheaper than MRI’s and surgeries. Probably be covered by health insurance as medical instruments. Watch for the ads on late night TV. Help! I’ve sat down and I can’t get up!! Now, yours for only 29.95, the amazing Catapault Chair! But wait! Order now and we’ll send you a second chair free, just add shipping and handling.
National Butt Health. Soon to get its own holiday. And not a day too soon!
Hits: 172