The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

In a surprise turnaround Donald J. Trump announced his intention yesterday to tap Smokey the Bear for head of the Dep’t. of Interior. “We need to shake things up a little in Interior, very important,” the president-in-waiting tweeted. “Smokey has been wonderful all these years, very great actually. So great!”

Critics responded with alarm after the tweet went viral 30 seconds later. “Mr. Trump obviously doesn’t understand the requirements for holding office in the cabinet,” said a senior Democratic senator who spoke on anonymity. “My god, the bear is a bear. I’m fairly certain animals are barred from serving office.”

A Representative from Montana stated, “This nomination might be in real danger. Smokey may be a tree hugger for all we know, but when we’re finished doing due diligence, we WILL know. The last thing our parks and forests need is a damn tree hugger. We have real issues here, oil leases and coal reserves. We need a man who understands that these take priority over spotted owl rescues,” the Republican said.

The New York Times, in an op-ed piece later that day, pointed out that Smokey the Bear was dead. Mr. Trump tweeted, “That bear isn’t dead. I saw his picture just last week and he looked healthy as a horse. Great hat, really a class hat! We might consider having every park ranger wear one.” Smokey the Bear was found after a forest fire 66 years ago, burned badly but nursed back to health and taken on as a mascot for the Forest Service. He lived a long life in a zoo and died of old age in 1976. Or so the New York Times claimed ….

Immediately the Times was attacked by the Trump transition team for its faux news stories once again. Bear lovers trolled the Times with death threats by the hundreds. Smokey is Alive! dozens tweeted. The Times published obituaries of the bear’s demise, but by then Mr. Trump had confirmed his nomination of the mascot.

President-elect Trump had interviewed other contestants as well for the position this past week. Woodsy Owl and Ranger Rick as well as Sarah Palin had been considered top contenders, but the nod to Smokey caught many by surprise. Kanye West was seen leaving Trump Towers recently and this had led to speculation the rapper might be in line for Interior given Trump’s penchant for choosing cabinet members with no experience in their departments.

“Shaking the tree,” Mr. Trump tweeted when Ben Carson was chosen to head HUD. “The man has lived in Detroit, what more does he need to know to operate a government agency with a budget of billions? Great surgeon, really the best. Split a Siamese twin in two. You should read his book.”

The search is now on to locate the missing bear. Trump tweeted that he expected to find Smokey soon. “Probably fighting that fire down in Tennessee. He saved Dollyland, you know. Great job. Dollyland is a national treasure and that bear put out the fire a hundred yards from the front gate. Smokey will be a top notch Interior Secretary, the best. Great hat too. Did I mention that hat?”

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This entry was posted on Friday, December 16th, 2016 at 3:31 pm and is filed under rantings and ravings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.