Tailgators
I got more than a few pet peeves I’ve accumulated in my life and not too many got relegated to minor annoyances over all those years of mellowing into old age. One, though, deserves special mention, not because I overcame my peeve or even made the pet into petty, but because I learned the hard way how acting on those peeves can lead to something more dire.
There are days when the sight of a front end bumper trying to make love to my back bumper incites in me a loathing akin to those anti-porn Christians infuriated by teenage boys slumped over a library terminal. They’re probably not in a hurry, really, they just never had driver’s ed and the thought that the distance between us wouldn’t leave time for a short prayer to the Lord when a sudden stop was necessitated by a dog running out in front of us. Sometimes they’re simply preoccupied with a text message and possibly haven’t noticed we’re locking bumpers. Although … sometimes it is someone in a panic to go a little faster than my speed limit and they’ll eventually pass in a frantic run at slipping between me and the oncoming vehicle before both of us hit the shoulder. Usually they’ll be waiting at the next stoplight. Nobody makes time on this road, don’t they know that?
So the other day a truck was sucking wind off my muffler like a junkie off a crackpipe. I slowed down five miles per hour, then when that was insufficient signal, ten. This only angered the driver in the truck who flipped me off and edged closer. We looked like a NASCAR finish lap, the rear truck drafting before the sudden break for the checkered. Don’t ask me why, but occasionally in these moments, I like to hit the brakes. It’s a dangerous move, jab the pedal, lurch down ten mph, then stomp the accelerator to avoid the inevitable rear end collision. With some cooperation from the tailgator, perhaps a lesson is learned about the stopping distance between two vehicles moving at 50 mph. The student, naturally, may resist the education, but really, who cares?
My angry follower didn’t hit the brakes, however. He swerved instead. And not onto the shoulder but out into oncoming traffic. We were both a bit surprised, and so was the oncoming car. I hit the shoulder and so did the oncoming while our tailgator sailed through the breach.
I suppose this was a lesson primarily for me of unintended consequences. Today I had a car 5 feet behind my truck but I decided it was a nice day, a short distance home and an okay song playing on the radio. Like politics these days, there’s no point slamming the brakes, exchanging insurance info, dialing 911. Besides, I have plenty of other peeves to work on, better to pick one of those that won’t create collateral damage. Probably scratch tailgating strategies right off my New Year’s Resolution this year.
Skeeter, I know what you mean. Sadly the tailgating problem you describe has no doubt been with us since the invention of the wheel. Even in the future robot cars will probably mumble to themselves in binary about the AI car bringing up the rear, “More like Artificial Stupidity!”
And what do the car companies give us, standard, no option? Check the rear-view and all you get is:
“Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.”
Thanks Sherlock.
What if, instead, if we had a mirror which would allow us to reflect philosophically for a moment, with words of wisdom to take our mind off the idiot four feet away from our sixteen gallon gas tank, the jackass with too much horsepower who somehow has managed to get his head up both his own, and our keister simultaneously. What we need is an alternate message on a custom designed after-market rear view mirror.
With aphorisms to ponder such as:
“You can choose your friends, but not the dimwad behind you.”
“Real nobility is based on scorn, courage and profound indifference.” -Camus
“No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.”
-Julius Caesar
This could be big, big as truck nutz, but for people who can read.
Eloquently stated! Big as truck nutz??? Well, that might be excusable exaggeration. Had a jeep pass me on a straightaway since I was only doing 3 or 4 mph over the speed limit and that was way too turtle for my tailgator. Naturally he passed me with oncoming and not enuff time to deploy road clearing incendiary. I decided to hold my ground and let the approaching vehicle take the shoulder or the ditch, his call. He chose the shoulder and the horn. Thirty seconds later, the second jeep, apparently convinced jeeps have right of way over cars and trucks, repeated the maneuver. With the same results. I remember now why I quit teaching school. I remember why Trump won too.