April Fool’s Day Canceled!!
Every year in the Pulitzer Prize nominated Crab Cracker, our local bastion of honest news reportage, we look forward to the one day when we can test our readers’ knowledge of alternate facts and verify vestigial funny bones. In the past we have run cutting edge, fast breaking stories about everything from whale sightings in the Stilly River to alpaca hunting season openings, from renaming the Mark Clark Bridge the Colton Harris Moore Causeway to the proposed 40 acre landfill on Camano’s South End.
Admittedly many loyal readers felt duped and some even canceled subscriptions … at least until they learned there were no subscriptions. It’s a free press in more ways than one, we informed our outraged gullible readers. But for the most part folks were mostly amused at our once a year antics. Those days, sad to say, are now gone. The Trump Administration yesterday issued an executive order via Tweet that henceforth, April Fool’s Day would no longer be recognized as a national holiday.
Reporters from the lying NY Times and Washington Post clamored for clarification, but White House spokesman Sean Spicer refused to accept questions from their faux news services. Fox News asked if rumors were true that the entire month of April would be designated Fool’s Month, but Mr. Spicer refused to validate those claims, saying the President and his staff would issue further information in good time.
“Isn’t it true, sir,” our reporter from the Cracker queried, “that Saturday Night Live is saying the entire year can now be declared April Fool’s Day?” which brought the press conference to a sudden conclusion when Spicer blamed the media and Hollywood for a profusion of phony stories like those. “You people twist everything!” he shouted before abruptly throwing down his microphone and walking to the door.
The Crab Cracker, no longer invited to further press conferences, if indeed there are more press conferences, was unable to verify rumors of a month-long holiday from truthful news, much less reports of a yearlong celebration of Alternate Facts. But … our investigation did reveal that Congress will soon introduce a bill in the Senate declaring May 1st National Truth Day. Watch for an update here in these pages.
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Tags: april fool, crab cracker, liars in office, lying news, lying press, national truth day, sean spicer
National Truth Day?
Oh sure Skeeter, take another sacred religious holiday, Commandment IX Day (or for Catholics Commandment VIII Day), already truncated from Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Day, and declare war on God the Father himself this time, in an attempt to secularize His Own Commandment down to the lowest and most common denominator, Truth Day.
Can’t people be happy that they’ve already successfully taken, Jesus Christ Almighty, the Christ out of Christmas? Removing creches from our public squares and buildings, leaving them only to be found in front of dozens of Christian churches in our towns and villages? Isn’t that enough?
But no, now we have to have an all out assault on Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Day, no doubt turning it into another commercial holiday, soon flooding future airwaves with generically blanched Bearded Figures hawking:
It’s the TRUTH! Prices so LOW, you’d climb a mountain top for them, even leap a flaming bush. But you don’t have to at Walmart, with acres of FREE, flat, parking!
These are the days of Relativism and maybe it’s time to revamp those 10 Commandments, update them to this post-truth era. You know, before Gorsuch is confirmed and we’re back to constitutional and biblical Originalism. Like our Prez sez, lying isn’t lying if it’s prescient. And adultery, apparently for those religious folks who voted for him, isn’t actually a sin and anyway, the man said he was ‘sorry’ (airquotes?) If the art of the deal isn’t a recipe for legal theft, what is it? Maybe 10 is too many rules for us modern folks anyway. Pare it down maybe, by half. I say we have a vote for what goes, what stays. No false gods? I think we gotta get rid of that one or else demote Trump. The others, I’m willing to let the electorate decide.