Another Senseless Pancake Death
A man died today in a pancake eating contest. In his zeal to excel he clogged his food chute with the tasty but expansive buttermilk cakes and expired before any Heimlich maneuver could expel the carbojam from his alimentary. These things happen, of course. No one said fame would be easy. Sad to say, same day, another contestant died eating in a donut gobbling race. In the dog eat dog world of gourmet eatery contests, these two are now heroes even if their names are already forgotten.
Maybe they should’ve dedicated themselves to the hot dog eating competitions. Less bun, more meat, but who knows if this would have saved their lives or not. The quest for a Guinness world record leads many of us down a treacherous trail, but usually not an early demise. Nevertheless, the sacrifice, however steep, makes the effort that much more poignant.
I myself am not much of a pancake or a donut enthusiast, I don’t care how much maple syrup lubricant you add to the coagulated glutinous mess or how many sprinkles to the deep fried batter. And the thought of cramming these things into my pie hole at breakneck speed, well, even a hot dog competition looks good. And I can’t recall when the last contestant in a wiener race died at the plate.
Still, we are a society with an appetite for momentary fame. American Idol, the Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, Pancake Gobbling King, President of the United States. Give us our 15 minutes, that’s all we ask. Something to engrave on the granite headstone when we’re gone, something our progeny can read with no little pride. Here Lies Grampaw: He Died Doing What He Loved Most.
For you grampaws out there slowly rocking into the shadows watching Wheel of Fortune, lift a fork to the Pancake King.
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Tags: American Idol, donut death, Guinness Records, pancake eating contest, the Apprentice
Lift a fork, and pour one out for the fallen, Aunt Jemima, pour one out.
Another gluten death, not exactly textbook pathology. Pity the coroner. In the future I suggest donut hole eating contests. Think of the lives saved. Think of the children. On the other hand, think of the damage to Dunkin Donuts, a job creator among job creators. And the late night cops who need those sanctuaries…. Gotta say, I’ve sat in those plastic booths on many a debauched night myself. It’s always a trade-off, it seems.