Santa Accused of Sexual Harassment!
It’s a cold day here in the North Pole. Santa Claus has been charged with felony harassment by multiple unnamed elves who claim in separate testimony the funny fat man had groped them in the toy factory’s main office after hours. St. Nick denied all accusations and claimed it was faux news, a smear campaign by those who want to wage war on Christmas. Mrs. Claus, unavailable for public comment, has reportedly filed divorce papers. And in a related development, Donder and Blitzen, two of the delivery sleigh’s mainstay reindeer, avow they will not ride for the accused Santa.
The scandal has even reached the U.S. Congress where legislative leaders are in a bind whether to support the Gift Giver or call for investigations. Rep. Jerry Snyder told a CNN reporter that the nation will be plunged into certain recession if Christmas were to be canceled because Santa Claus was asked to resign his position. “Elf groping in itself may not be a crime,” he stated. “Elves aren’t protected under law and anyway, these charges date back decades. I say let the American People decide whether the man can use their chimney or not. Christmas presents delivered by Santa Claus are a tradition that must be protected at all costs. My kids wouldn’t talk to me ever again if I voted to investigate St. Nick.”
But Sen. Betsy Feelingbetter responded by saying “Enough is enough. Elf or leprechaun or Queen of the Maypole, it’s time to put a stop to employer harassment. These men think because they have all this power they can treat us with complete disrespect. We’re looking into criminal charges for Mr. St. Nick, I can tell you that. The times have changed and if the price for ending predatory harassment is a cessation of Christmas presents this year, so be it. We’re not negotiating this crime, you merry gentlemen.”
At the time of this writing the future of Christmas Present and Future looked bleak indeed. The elf workshop is in complete shutdown and the factory is surrounded by reporters from every known media from every country that celebrates a consumer Christmas. UPS and FedEx stocks have tumbled to their lowest share price since the Great Recession and Turner Broadcasting has pulled “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Miracle on 34th Street.” The world may have hung their stockings with care, but will they be empty on Christmas Day?
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If any among us have not been naughty as well as nice, let him or her cast the first fruitcake. I say, as long as Santa supports my belief in getting presents under the tree, I’m willing to overlook a little elf groping and forced labor. Should reports surface that this occurred with even smaller underage elves however, I’ll simply choose not to believe it.
And isn’t the ice at the North Pole melting? Doesn’t Santa have enough to worry about without an investigation that may lead to even greater Polar-ization in this country?
I think we can dispense with the issue of statutory elf rape. Elves are born adult, everyone knows this, they just look underage. But it does raise the question of immigration status and it’s best probably not to go there. If Christmas is anything, it’s unbridled capitalism and if anything is sacrosanct, it’s Capitalism. Deck the Halls, I say, and jingle more than bells.
Perhaps its time for Mrs. Claus to take over the whole operation.
Maybe Melania would consider being President next.