The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

Researchers have recently discovered that cows have the capability to use tools. Until now, the bovine beasts were considered dumb cud-chewing know-nothings, content to graze a field or stand in their crowded stanchions munching on antibiotic-adulterated hay and feed, happy probably to serve their masters as Big Macs, Whoppers and various other hamburger patties. Apparently they’re not as stupid as we thought.

What tipped our astute researchers off was a farmer with a pet cow he never intended as fodder for the meat packing plant up the road. The Swiss bovine, Veronika, had more than the usual two years to develop her IQ skills and one day farmer Clyde noticed her using a deck brush to scratch a backside itch. Veronika, the farmer said, prefers the bristly side. Tool usage! Even with hooves instead of opposing thumbs, just gripped that handle in her teeth and scratched with the other end. Scientists were gobsmacked.

Me, not so much. I don’t judge animal intelligence on computer skills or essay writing, blogging or banjo playing. Might just be they have a different set of intellectual skills we verbal monkeys don’t appreciate. But pick up a stick — even with your teeth — hoo boy, there’s evidence of mammalian intelligence. Might even be enough, but I seriously doubt it, to give us primates pause next cheeseburger we gobble at the neighborhood barbecue.

Nevertheless, this is newsworthy stuff in the world of Yahoo News. Over at Fox News I’m betting the talking heads are dissecting the data and alerting their own cud-chewing audience to the dangers of cattle with sticks. Time to call our GOP Representatives to pass legislation keeping guns out of the hands of cows, the 2nd amendment be damned. Worst case scenario we got bovine militias unleashed on rural red state Americans with revenge on their minds. Smart minds, we know now. Might be we need a constitutional amendment.

Maybe we get too much news these days. All of these days, 24/7. All the news fit to tweet. Used to be we just listened to the local gossip over at Tyee Store, find out whose kid was on meth, what daughter was pregnant, whose house was broken into, all the stuff we passed on neighbor to neighbor. Now we’re privy to the goings-on of the Kardashians and R. Kelly. I couldn’t pick any of them out of a line-up, but they sure have name recognition in my news feeds.

Today I was scrolling around the internet, stepping through the cowpie landmines of the Trump Investigations, what promises to be an endless overload of subpoenas, accusations, testimonies, pledges of immunity, conspiracies, denials and … well, you know, the Trump Show — and came across a spat between the Republicans’ newest favorite Satan, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the liberal representative from New York. I figure they must be worried about her greatly, maybe thinking in 6 years she’ll be old enough to run for President so why not start a Hillary-style smear early enough to derail her if she does. The kid barely got sworn in and already she’s a boogie man, even got her own acronym, AOC.

AOC put out a position paper calling for a New Green Deal. Or a Green New Deal. Something like that. Bundled up climate change with income inequality and scared the bejeezus out of the conservatives. Jerry Falwell’s kid, J.F. Junior, called her stupid and a liar, then invited her to speak at his bastion of evangelical purity, Liberty College, his Dad’s madrasa, a school so right wing it booted out the College Democrats, “a club whose parent organization stands against the moral principles held by Liberty University.” Tough standards, J.F.

Turns out that when AOC mentioned cutting back on meat production, cows being a major source of methane gas release, Jerry Junior took major umbrage. He’s got a herd of the farting beasts. “I’ve got a hundred cows. You just let Alexandria Cortez show up at my house and try to take my cows away,” the meat-eating man of God warned. Apparently Jerry J. is auditioning to replace Charlton Heston as Moses. That, or the lead in Planet of the Cows.