The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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My hotel here in Salty Lake City is what I’d call, well, sketchy. Maybe it was the twelve paramedics hitting the lobby door 30 seconds after me for an overdose victim that was Clue #1. The guy in line in front of me looked like he would be Clue or Victim #2 and when the desk clerk asked if he had a reservation, he said ‘yeah’ after a lot of thought, but no, he really didn’t and finally he shuffled off. When I got my car parked in front of my room, he and his deadbeat pals were there too, motor running on a beater with temporary license plates.

My room is spacious, two queen beds and two leaks from the flat roofed ceiling where water is running through. Do not think for a minute I would call down and ask for another room that is dry — I’m not that fussy. If I were, I’d have stayed downtown, not here in the DMZ. I’m here to pitch an art project proposal for three state liquor stores in a state notoriously anti-bibulous and pro-biblical. It’s low budget and I’m going low too.

The mizzus asks why I stay in these fleabag flophouses. They’re just places to sleep, I answer. In Japan you can rent a box with a thin mattress — forget the TV and the alarm clock and the crappy print on the wall faded from years of sunlight and dust. And I bet they don’t have water leaking in … unless the guy in the box above is incontinent.

I’ve stayed in worse, just so you don’t think I’m complaining. Once in Hayward, California, two dozen squad cars pulled up and busted down the door of the guy next to me. I was on the floor in case the bullets started to fly. They didn’t. The suspect went peacefully in handcuffs. My favorite was the gentleman in the room next to me who explained without much prompting he’d kill my dog if it messed with his dog and then he’d kill me. Always good to be forewarned, I guess. My dog, Dr. Gonzo, unbeknownst to him, would probably have killed them both. But as you may know, I’m a peaceful man. We all did okay, although I’m guessing by now I’m the last one standing.

Right now there’s a pounding on the door adjacent to mine, kind of insistent and even a tad angry. You’ll have to excuse me, I think I better check this out. Might be something urgent. Stay tuned….

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