The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

This week’s police blotter in the Stanwoodopolis Gazette, as usual, was filled with the heinous crimes going on all around the island. Frightening stuff! One woman called 9-1-1 to report a cat that had clawed her car’s exterior. And if that didn’t send you to the cellar to hide from the ongoing crime wave, here’s one that should shiver yer timbers. Rabbits! Rabbits eating a garden! Yes, hard as it is to comprehend in these civilized times, these offenses happen all too frequently. Bunnies chomping on our lettuce, snacking on our peas, lurking in the bean vines.

What is a citizen to do??? Well, this woman called the police. I can only hope every squad car on the island responded to this cry for help. You know, if they weren’t already occupied with speeders down at the 35 mile per hour zone by the country club. ‘All units, we have a rabbit intrusion in Mrs. Cramer’s vegetable garden! Respond with all possible haste! The lettuce is nearly gone and reports of pea nibbling are coming in now! All units! We have a bunny robbery in progress!!’

I myself have rabbits infesting my vegetable patch. It is no laughing matter!! I have double fences, wire within wire, surveillance cameras, scarecrows, everything but Elmer Fudd and his wabbit gun. The bastards eat everything from peas to donuts. They are a menace, I don’t care how cute those bunnies are, they’re destroying my garden! But … somehow, don’t ask me why, I’ve never thought to call the sheriff. I know they’re not really all that busy, mostly traffic violations, speeding tickets, petty drugs, but nevertheless, I guess I just never thought they would take care of my rabbit problem. Silly me!

I’m not really sure if they arrested those pesky wabbits up at my neighbor’s or not. I kinda doubt it. My wabbits aren’t easily rounded up. If they were, I wouldn’t have a problem, now would I? I’m not really sure if garden larceny by small mammals is illegal, although I would hope it is. I have a family of raccoons who could use a few months in the hoosegow or at the very least an ankle bracelet. And don’t get me going on the squirrels, those rats with furry tails. The cops should set up surveillance on those varmints!

Truth is, I’ve obviously been a varmint vigilante. Next time I find Bugs nibbling on my bean stalks, I should call 9-1-1, not take the law into my own dirty hands. This year my vermin are snails. Eating every sprout as soon as it comes up for air. I tried the beer tactic, but that just made it Happy Hour for slugs. And I have more uses for beer than contributing to the delinquency of a slug minor, trust me on that. Still, about one more day of slimy destruction, I may have to call the sheriff’s deputies. Hopefully they’ve been trained in alternatives to violent confrontation. I don’t need my pea patch riddled with bullet holes from trigger happy cops.

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