The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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So okay, I got my 2nd dose of Covid Kevlar last week, a Pfizer vaccine probably chock full of micro-transmitters Bill Gates snuck in there to track my every move, information he could have just asked me to give him, not too much variation. I’m now bulletproof, at least for infection from the coronavirus, maybe not for autism, future cancers, 3rd limbs trying to grow and possible susceptibility to Qanon conspiracy theories. My voluntary Lockdown is over!! I even think my sense of humor is coming back … or at least mutating.

It’s been a little more than a year since Pandemic Paranoia swept most of the world and maybe half of this country of contrarians, disbelievers, Trumpists and other kooks and ninnies. When I mentioned to a neighbor, one who’d actually contracted Covid, that over half a million of us had died in this Land of the Free Thinkers, he told me no, they died all right, but probably from underlying causes. If you want to debate this kind of logic, be my guest, but me, not so much. I’m vaccinated — did I mention? — and folks who think Covid or E-bola or polio or wasting brain disease are phony, well, skip the vaccine and take their chances. I’m on their side now — a few less of these maskless conspiracy theorists is okay by me now that I’m officially immune.

Oh sure, the virus will probably mutate and we’ll need booster shots for the Variants. But eventually the variant viruses would whittle down the non-believers. I’d call it Darwinism … but that’s just going to invite more hostility and resistance toward us folks who wore masks and got vaccinated and lockdowned during the Plague of 2020. Let’s call it instead an Upward Intelligence Trend, the smart survive. Maybe it was an underlying condition too.

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Ever since I got my 2nd Covid shot I seem to have an urge to buy Microsoft stocks. And I don’t usually buy any stocks so this is unsettling. And that purchase of Cortana I made? I don’t even know what Cortana is. Worse yet, I show a receipt for a Microsoft Surface Laptop 3 that I have no recollection of buying. What this can mean is anybody’s guess. On the up side, however, I seem to know, without really trying, most of my friends’ whereabouts at any given time day or night. The ones who haven’t had their inoculations yet don’t show up on my internal GPS, which makes me really suspicious.

In fact suspicion seems to be my main emotion now. I used to trust in my own instincts, trusted facts, trusted my government, trusted the Lord, trusted the warranty on my truck, trusted the advertisers on TV who told me late at night I could get two of the same item if I only paid shipping and handling. Now I wonder how much is that shipping and handling, maybe three times what the item I’m getting two of costs. And those drug ads during the evening news? I wonder now if they really cure what ails me or if all those side effects that take half the commercial to list are going to require additional pharmaceutical purchases, probably manufactured by the same company the way Purdue Pharma is going to make an antidote for oxycontin. The truth is, I don’t trust my advertisers any longer and if I can’t trust American business, who do I turn to, the Chinese? Geez, didn’t they infect us with Chinavirus?

I wake up now worrying about those poor kids in the pizza parlor basement being abused by Democratic cannibals. Yesterday I was afraid to go near the windows where lasers from outer space could place me in their gunsights, incinerating me and my banjo in a nano-second. Today I heard another mass murder was staged to make it look like violence was rampant in my country. A few days ago Asian American women pretended to be killed by another phony psychopath. It never seems to stop. When I go to the grocery store I can’t help wondering who are human and who are Lizard People. My god, maybe, just maybe, they’re ALL Lizard People. With guns!!!

What I’m wondering now is if that Covid vaccine is making me a Lizard Boy. I’m afraid to look in the mirror to check if my tongue is forked, my skin is scaly, my eyes have vertical slits. Something strange is happening, I know that much. For awhile I thought Trump would fix this, save the country, make it great again … now it looks like he wasn’t the savior after all. Now that I’ve joined Qanon, I’m already thinking of quitting but I hate to turn tail and run. Although … I do seem to be growing a tail.

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