Bill Gates Wants to Plant Microchips in Republicans’ Heads

44% of Republicans are convinced Bill Gates is using the coronavirus to infect millions so that he can implant microchips with the vaccine and then … well, who knows? Track them? Control them? Make slaves of them? About 19% of Democrats think the same thing. I must be watching the wrong newsfeeds and reading the wrong newspapers because I had no idea Bill was doing this, not a clue. Actually, I thought that was what Mark Zuckerberg was up to with Facebook. Tracking us, controlling us, making stupid slaves of all of us. Goes to show, I need to pay more attention. The tech boyz are working overtime while I’ve been snoozing.

So, if we’re to believe these statistics — and I’m sure 44% of Republicans and 19% of Democrats don’t — the pandemic isn’t just a hoax, although maybe it is maybe it isn’t, what it is is a grand conspiracy by the man who brought you the home computer to scare the bejabbers out of gullible citizens so that they’ll jump at the chance to get a vaccine to save their lives and then, and then! he’ll implant something, a microchip apparently, that will receive signals and turn every sucker who got the cure into a mindless servant of Bill Gates. Kind of like what they are already, servants of Microsoft, only now he wants more than just their money and their allegiance, he wants Total Control!! He wants to be Head Body Snatcher!!

Any way you look at this, it’s frightening. Half my fellow shoppers at the grocery store, especially the ones who don’t wear plague masks, believe Bill Gates is an evil genius. (Actually I believe most of the Tech Boyz are evil geniuses, but for a slightly different reason.) Half the folks that live around me are probably stocking up on garden seeds, toilet paper, wheat flour and yeast, buying freezers and filling them with locker meat, snatching up chicks at the feed store, all in the vain attempt to prepare for the day which is coming soon the rest of us are minions and slaves to Billy Gates, Mindmaster of the Universe. Half the yahoos that drive by our house are hoarding guns and ammos, building bunkers, boarding up their homes, getting ready for the rest of us who will be coming to take away their chickens and their TV’s and their computers.

In other words, half the people I meet and half the people I don’t meet, are certifiably 100% batshit crazy. Sure they look normal. Sort of. Sure they speak coherently. Most of the time. Course they seem just like you and me. Me anyway. Not sure anymore about half of you. But deep down, back in the sloppy recesses of their gelatinous brainpans, they’re totally whacked, probably soak themselves in tubs of nanobubble bath that will protect them from aliens and computer commands, babbling like drunk porpoises half the night behind double locked doors.

I might not care if they wallowed in their bubbly insanity or shopped beside me or drove past me, but here’s the thing. The nutjobs VOTE! They already voted in the biggest nutjob whacko to swerve down the American pike in my lifetime and maybe anyone else’s. What are they capable of doing next?? And they think Bill Gates is scary? The computer was supposed to open the doors to all the knowledge in the world with a couple clicks on a keyboard. Who knew what Bill was really up to? And now who knows what half of us are either….

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2 Responses to “Bill Gates Wants to Plant Microchips in Republicans’ Heads”

  1. Rick Says:

    Old Bill Gates is gonna come out of retirement, jump back in the game and implant a microchip operating system into humans? Well I have a few questions about that. I’ve run DOS, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME Windows, Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. Right now my computer boots up with a message “checking media presence…” for quite some time so I usually walk away, make another cup of coffee, read 10 pages of a printed New Yorker Magazine before I wander back to my screen where occasionally I may be additionally informed a component has failed, sometimes specifying the hard drive, then displays a designer QR Code that I’m supposed to photograph and send somewhere. After two more minutes or so it’ll eventually start up like it’s supposed to.

    Now, back to my questions for Bill Gates.
    1) Will the human microchip work better than any version of Windows ever released?
    2) Will I function normally if the chip crashes?
    If the answers are 1) no, and 2) yes – – I’m not gonna worry about it.

  2. skeeter Says:

    Judging by the way I’m functioning lately, sounds like Bill might’ve already inserted his chip into my frontal lobe. Life seems like Groundhog Day reruns. That, or I just need an extra cup of coffee, maybe sit back and enjoy the sunshine. Did I already say this yesterday?

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